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How Can I Fix This?

So my daughter my oldest daughter she’s angry with me and has been for a while she’s not doing anything bad she’s just angry over things that I did when she was little. It’s funny because before a few years ago she thought I was awesome and cool and now she looks at me and sees me only for my past and she’s just disgusted with me.

Which I get as much as it pains me to say this I’m not a good role model. I mean my husband outright admitted to me recently that if it wasn’t for our kids he’d kicked me to curb. Okay I should back up my life has been complicated these last couple of years. The last few months have been easier my husband got a new job I’ve left my old job behind and have been trying to focus on my kids.

Then someone from my past showed up and hit me up for money. I said no and he left photos and a DVD of me in the mail while I wasn’t home (I was picking up my younger kids) I knew the pictures existed but I didn’t know about the DVD and I never thought the jerk would pull something like this. My oldest daughter came home from school and she saw them the pictures but it was what was on the DVD that has her angry with me.

I have done a lot of things I’m ashamed of and I made some really bad choices. I’ll give you a brief description I was an under age prostitute and I was recorded without my knowledge and there was a moment where a customer left and my daughter who was a baby at the time started crying and well the camera recorded me at a time where I was in a very dark place and a very different person.

Growing up I didn’t have any positive parental figures and I didn’t even really know how to really love or care about anyone but myself and I still struggle with doing the right thing even now. The point is in the recording I’d get angry and scream at her to shut up every time she would cry. Now my daughter thinks I never loved her she thinks I think of her as a parasite because I called her that. I was a stupid messed up kid when I said all that.

I mean what can I say? That I wasn’t that messed up kid she saw because I was I can’t deny that at those moments in my life I wasn’t a terrible mother. I was a kid myself and there’s no excuse but I didn’t know any better.

The irony is my daughter is doing better in school she’s getting good grades she just really and I mean really hates me. I don’t think she’s going to stop hating me. I think this because she said to me word for word "I’m not your partner, I’m not your daughter and you sure as hell are not my mother not anymore."

I can’t say she’s wrong to hate me and she’s right I screwed up with her over the years and now she’s not making excuses for me or looking at me with blinders on. I mean I keep thinking about how I raised her and I realized I’ve never treated her like a daughter there was a time when I thought about abandoning her just leave her in a hospital thinking she’d be adopted by a regular family and I was about to walk away when she started crying and I just asked her why she kept crying and I asked her why she even wanted me as her mother.

I told her that mother’s weren’t worth a dam and that’s because I had a lousy mother and step mother and then I guess you could say I stepped up because I couldn’t go through with abandoning my daughter and I told her that we’d be better than mother and daughter we’d be partners and that’s always just been our thing where we say we’re partners to each other.

Long story short I have a criminal past mostly small crimes like pick pocketing and shop lifting and I stopped after I met my husband and had my three other kids but I and I’m ashamed to say this I taught my daughter when she was young how to steal and I taught her how to lie.

I know I screwed up and I just don’t know how to fix it because now even though I’ve turned my life around my daughter and she told me this herself that she wants to become a cop to put me behind bars. At the same time I realize I’ve treated her like a partner this whole time and I know I need to be a mother now but I don’t know how to be a mother to her which has me mad at myself.

I mean she’s not talking to me every time I do she’ll bring up something from the past and then throw it in my face. She’s not doing anything wrong her teachers think she’s made a turn around but my daughter doesn’t even call me mom anymore and short of taking a bullet for her I don’t think anything can fix this. I can’t just get mad at her and tell her to stop just because I’m upset she’s upset with me.

My daughter is convinced I don’t love her.

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